“A man must”: what is the danger of this approach?

Having survived a painful parting, we put a potential new partner a tough list of requirements to which he must meet. Often our requirements are caused by fears, and this can harm us ourselves, even if we do not realize this. Our reader Alina is shared by his history. Her story is commented by the psychoanalyst Tatyana Mizinova.

Men often complain that women are too demanding when choosing a partner. But after the divorce, I realized where the overstated requirements for the future husband come from. Nights in tears, quarrels with the former, broken hopes – all this forces you to be careful so as not to make a mistake again. Especially when you are also responsible for children. I want a lot from the future partner and I am not shy about it to admit it

. Here are five necessary qualities that I am looking for in a man:

1. He should be an example for my children

If we start dating, children will become part of our life together. I want them to see in my partner an honest, responsible person whose words do not diverge from. So that he sought to give my boys an example of a positive and joyful attitude to life.

2. He should not be diluted

Entering a new relationship immediately after the divorce, people have not yet healed wounds and consider a romantic story as an attempt to escape from mental pain. I do not want to become someone’s refuge from loneliness. Let the man release the past first, as I did.

3. He must be open

For me, the opportunity is important to speak directly about past relationships and hear a frank story from him. I want to understand that the future partner is ready to do for us. Be with him, weak, vulnerable, do not hesitate to cry. I am looking for a self -confident man who can also demonstrate weakness, talk about feelings.

4. He must devote time to the family

His enthusiasm and career ambitions are important to me. But I don’t want to connect my life with a workaholic. I need a mature person who can find a healthy balance between work and relationships.

5. He shouldn’t lie

I am mom, because I feel great when children are deceiving. And I will understand that my new acquaintance conceals the truth about himself. Is he really free, how many women meets except me? Does he have bad habits? I want to get honest answers to my questions.

“A hard list of requirements leaves no place for a compromise”

Tatyana Mizinova, psychoanalyst

Most people who survived the divorce well represent what they want from marriage. What is unacceptable to them and what compromises can be taken. Their requirements are justified. But, unfortunately, requests for the future partner are often too high.

“He must take responsibility”, “I do not want to listen to his nagging about the past marriage” – the situation becomes hopeless when the word “must” appears. Starting relations, adults look closely at each other, determine the boundaries, look for compromises. This is a mutual process in which no one owes anything to anyone. Often, behavioral templates and an unconscious desire to play their grievances in the last partner are transferred to new relations.

If the initiator of the divorce was a man, a woman feels abandoned, devoted and impaired. She is looking for an ideal life partner to prove to the former, “how he was mistaken”. To prove to yourself that it worthy of the best, that only the ex -husband is to blame for the divorce.

Unfortunately, a woman does not take into account that a man can also have desires and expectations, and with such a hard list of requirements for the future satellite there is absolutely no place for a compromise that is necessary in every pair.

Another danger of a tough contract is that the circumstances are changing. A partner can get sick, lose interest in a career, remain without work, want solitude. Does this mean that the union prisoner on the list of requirements will fall apart? This probability is great.

Such high expectations can hide fear of a new relationship. Fear of failing is not aware of, and the actual flight from the relationship is justified by the search for a partner who meets high requirements. But how great the chances of finding such a “ideal” person are?